For all of our lives we dreamed of Lexa. She was always in our mind. And then, she got a name, a face, a personality and no longer was only in our heads. It was liberating, exciting, almost too overwhelming to finally meet her. She was unique and everything I ever wanted and dreamed of. It was almost too good and then, in a blink of an eye she was gone. Just like that and it hurt. It truly hurt.
In my personal sphere I’m not brave, I’m not confident, I struggle between social pressure and one I imposed on myself, a result of years denying myself. When I was younger I was bullied and molested for who I am and ever since I pretend a lot, learned to conceal and I always save face because I’m not ready yet. I’ve had many characters that inspired me in different stages of life, but Lexa was the one I’ve always waited for. I didn’t believe when the time finally arrived. And now it just hurts. She was not just in my head because one day I’ve woke up and hoped I’d see her someday on TV, no, it’s because everywhere I looked there were many characters but not one that I could completely see myself in or relate to or empathize as a whole or even want to become a little bit like her. These characters are usually man or women that start off promisingly and then lose their agency.
Was I too selfish to ever want a Lexa? No, I was not, but it still hurt a lot to realize she was safer when she had no name or face and only existed in my dreams. I’m old enough to turn the tables and become strong and someone one day I’ll be proud of, but that doesn’t mean that when I look for an escape on TV I keep seeing myself being killed over and over again, and just accepting it. I do believe I’ll be happy. I do believe I’ll find love and live to tell the story. Knowing what I know now, I’ll never forget nor forgive the roller coaster this show put me through. It was not worth it. Not worth at all.