English isn’t my first language so I apologize in advance for any errors in spelling and grammar. This is my story: I’m one of the „older“ Lexa/Clexa fans. I had my coming out in the 90’s when I was 21. Somehow I always knew that I’m not like other girls and when I fell in love with another girl I knew I was gay. I accepted it and went on a search for good lesbian representation in media. Unfortunately there wasn’t any. The movies I watched had a sad ending, the lesbian got killed or one of the women went back to a man. I was so happy, when Ellen DeGeneres came out in 1997, because I loved her sitcom and she was a celebrity that was like me. In 1998 I started watching “Xena: Warrior Princess”. The love between Xena and Gabrielle was so beautiful and TPTB admitted that they were soulmates. This was also the time when I was diagnosed with depression. I didn’t go outside often, I fled into my “fantasy” world, where no one could hurt me. Then in 2001 Xena got killed. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe they took her from me. She was my icon back then. It took ages until I got over her death. In the meantime I started watching “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer” and I really liked Willow and Tara. They were so cute together and I didn’t think anything would happen to them. But they killed Tara too. I lost hope somehow that things would change. My life went on and my depression got worse. In 2007 I tried to take my life. I was in hospital for a while and when I got out I found a couple on German tv: Franzi and Paula. I hadn’t seen such a chemistry since Xena and Gab and I immediatly fell in love with them. They helped me to feel better. Sadly there was nothing in the “real world” that made me feel this way. I loved their story, but then Franzi got killed – not long after she had sex with Paula. I was again heart broken. This time though it had something good as well, because a bit later I met my wife in the FraPa fandom. We have been together for 7 ½ years now and we got married last year. Today I’m still fighting with depression, but it’s easier now, because I have someone who loves me for who I am.
I came across Clexa/Lexa by surprise. I noticed more and more pictures of them on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook… I was intrigued and started binge watching the show at the end of February. At first I was a bit worried, because I was afraid something bad would happen again, but friends online reassured me that this show was different and that the showrunner understands LGBT people. Of course I trusted them they couldn’t have known. I fell so in love with both Clarke and especially Lexa. Lexa was such a strong character. She was a warrior, but at the same time she was vulnrable which I so loved – and she was a lesbian. I thought finally young lesbians get to have their heroine who they can identify with. Then on episode 3×07 Lexa DIED. She got shot by a stray bullet just a few minutes after she had finally sex with Clarke. I was so sad and heart broken… and I was mad. I was mad that it happened AGAIN. I felt terrible not just for me but especially for all the young teens who maybe had just realised that they are gay and had found such a strong character like Lexa, just to get her taken away from them. The message must have been so clear to them: you don’t deserve to be happy, you deserve to die. I found comfort in knowing that there were lots of other people out there who were as sad and angry as I was, still am. The movement started and I read all about the queerbaiting. I was shocked, but I am glad that people are using their anger and sadness to make something positive out of it. The Trevor Project is great and I’m so proud of how much money has been raised up to now. Things have to change. LGBT fans deserve better. I’m tired of having to make jokes like “I wonder which one of them dies” as soon as I see a lesbian couple on tv/film. We exist and we are here to stay. Media should finally see and accept that. We aren’t plot devices. I hope the movement will change television. WE DESERVE BETTER and LEXA DESERVED BETTER!